Life seems to be serving up the same lessons that I seem to either forget or think I will eventually master. In this week’s servings there was nothing over the top out of the ordinary, but none-the-less the challenges of parenting and adulting and relationshiping drudged up old responses that I thought I had out grew. Just like an old, familiar space my responses were filled with anxiety and worry and a nagging voice that I-am-just-not-doing-enough and that I-will-never-be-enough.
These are the ghosts of my past who somehow fill my present and urge me to problem solve a future that still has yet to become.
And so I do the old patterns that I’ve learned do not serve me well and this is that I try to control for the circumstances in which I have no control. Usually how this looks is I try to out do myself– be better– be perfect– be a perfect mom– present a competent, well-put-together adult self for co-workers, be the best listener to my friends, have the patience of a saint for my children, stave off exhaustion or weariness, appear brave, commit to being a giver and resist being a receiver…
I know this is usually a fruitless, soul draining endeavor for me. I know that the more I live in my head to be perfect and to present perfection the less I live authentically. Authentic for me is to be in the moment– open to whatever life offers so that I can learn and grow. Authentic also means that I am where I am… I’m giving what I have… I’m receiving what I can hold and I’m listening in the here and now.
And I’ve learned in the four decades of my life that the efforts to control exhaust me and wear me thin yet, I found myself doing this by default– just easing into this old pattern without giving it a second thought. In my 20’s and 30’s this likely would go on for a long time, but thanks-be to the development of skills like mindfulness and self-awareness I was able to eventually notice that this pattern had snuck back up. I was able to evaluate myself and make some different decisions regarding the anxiety and stress I was bearing and the response I wanted to extend to myself.
When I got down to it I realized that the anxiety I was holding was about an uncertain future that I have very little to no control over. I mean to get really honest with myself I had to realize that I cannot predict or control what is to come and that scares the shit out of me.
I can pour every ounce of parenting energy and wisdom into my children, but what they do with that… how they actualize is not in my control.
I can love with every ounce of love my heart and body can muster and I can’t control the outcome and the return of love or of loss or of illness or of death. (Loving my mother meant taking care of her body and her health toward the fruit of her returning to complete health– I could not control for how her illness was going to compromise her and ultimately take her)
I can make all the ‘smart’, future forward career investment decisions to ensure a future of bright opportunities and financial security, but I can’t guarantee that these opportunities will be extended toward me.
And this lesson presented to me what it always presents to me– that what I have is right now. I have today.
A few years ago, I did some crazy stuff. I left everything behind: a marriage, a career, a community, a belief system– on the notion that leaving the toxic aspects of my life would lead to more health and growth. I had a certain kind of optimism or hope about that decision.
In terms of my mental and emotional health I can say that I’ve seen the fruits of that decision produce the capacity for me to think and to breathe and to live in peace. It’s in part, why I can presently be more mindful, but in terms of what the future holds I have no certainties and I think that some days I’m still waiting and watching with bated breath– I’m peering into the future, anxieties rising, lungs full– wanting, longing to control the outcomes. And then life (sometimes in gentle ways and sometimes in not so gentle ways) brings me right back to where I am and says stay.right.here. Don’t get ahead of yourself. You have today. You have this moment. Stay right here and listen– don’t lose this moment. Don’t let it slip away. Bask in it. Let the sun shine on your face and breathe, because this is what you have and this is what you can be certain of– this- right- here.
I’ve always questioned this blogging thing. Living in Seattle there is a quite a bit of competitive energy to start blogging or podcasting or writing books or doing something that is going to put you on the map. As a pastor I thought I needed to start a blog to write profound theological-y stuff to change the world. Then I left pastoring and focused on being a therapist and thought well people really need a blog from me to hear about all this psychologizing stuff.
I’ve struggled to find the real purpose of this thing and what I realized is that I don’t know that I have anything that important to say. In Seattle culture, everyone thinks they have so many important things to say… And what’s more they believe that people need them and want them to say all of these things… It’s an unending rat race of trying to outdo oneself.
I’ve grown weary of all the noise and chatter and competition. It is in every aspect of my life: parenting, academia, therapy, business, feminizing, grocery shopping: Safeway versus PCC…
I write for myself. I write because it’s an important practice for me. I love writing and I love sharing my life. I appreciate the opportunity to reflect on life through writing and that’s why I write. I doubt my writing is useful to anyone else, but it’s important to me– for me and if there are connections made to other stories and human experience then I count that a bonus.
For a long time because I thought I was supposed to produce something that would be meaningful to others I spent a lot of time filtering myself and I’m tired, folks. I really do not have the energy to filter myself so I’m not going to. So here’s to being me and to writing whatev-a and of course, you’re invited to do with any of this what is useful and meaningful to you.
We should all be doing the things that help us to ground and thrive and if it is beneficial to others– celebrate that. We approach our lives backward– from the approach of trying to fit our lives into a box that is pre-prescribed for us. We live and work for others and hope that some how– one day it’ll benefit us. And when it doesn’t we get depressed and resentful. I found it is time for me to do the stuff that I love for me and to stop looking for that magic connection outside of myself that will make it all fall into place, cause reality check, folks– it doesn’t exist, but our desires and our passions and the things we love– well those things do exist and they are important.
I recently saw this blog post that a friend shared on FaceBook called: I am A “Too Much” Woman . It is a fantastic follow up to the blog post I posted the other day Hard Ball for Women. Ev’Yan Whitney elevates the conversation of embracing the feminine voice, standing firm in our womanly expressions and being confident in our sensuality to a whole other level. Complete liberation in our voice requires women to do the self-exploratory work on a holistic level– spiritually, physically, emotionally, relationally and sexually. Whitney gives a model for the process of embracing ourselves as whole and beloved people on her blog Sex Love Liberation. Check it out. For now here are a few thoughts:
Too Much Women are Women who
“A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept”. By Ev’Yan Whitney
1. We need not fear people’s judgments of our too muchness.
The way we take space emotionally, intellectually, physically, sexually and relationally is not a threat to other people’s right to take their space. Taking space is a natural extension of living in an unapologetic, authentic way. We just do what we do and we celebrate others freedom to spread out and take their own space.
2. Remember that the shaming responses to you embracing your gifts are not based on truth, but rather insecurity and the desire to control.
When you live authentically know that when you receive messages like, “You’re too loud”, “You’re too intense”, “You’re too difficult”, “You’re too wild”, “You’re too needy”, “You’re too sensitive”— these are shaming messages. Shame that is imposed on an individual by outside observers are meant to diminish, encourage you to shrink back and essentially control you so that you remain someone that is palatable and conforming to cultural rules.
3. All the parts of your identity are good and enough.
The one thing that is wonderful about getting to a place of embracing our whole selves is that it takes so much pressure off of us to work for outside approval and validation. We know what we bring and we know we’re not perfect, but that doesn’t scare us. It doesn’t scare us because we are dedicated to being life learners. The freedom from this bondage of fear liberates us to put energy in people/places that are important to us.
The ‘About’ page has been recently updated and will give you more information about what you will find on this blog. This blog is meant to be a resource for the community, as well as a place to dialogue and share ideas! Here is the new missional write up for what this blog is ‘About’. I hope this can be a resource for you and please, please, please (not to sound desperate or anything ;)– I just think we’re all better for hearing from one another) share your ideas with the community. We need your voice!
What “Created for More” is all about:
Welcome to Created for More. This is a blog about sustaining and maintaining healthy lives and relationships. In this blog you will find tips, ideas, life lessons and advice on balancing your life.
My name is DeAnza and I am a licensed therapist in Seattle. I have devoted my life’s work to assisting people to living lives more authentically and compassionately. I am passionate about helping people to thrive, grow and hope. I acknowledge the fact that we live in a society that does not embrace all people. There are many ‘isms’ that push people to the margins of society. Yet, despite that stark reality– I think there is a way to live liberated, brave, courageous lives through self-acceptance, compassion and hope.
As much as therapy is about healing and acceptance in the individual, I believe therapy/psychology is also a vehicle for justice and advocacy. Societal stigma tells us that to struggle or to be different is bad, unacceptable or wrong when in reality being human is challenging. We all have challenges and that doesn’t make us bad or wrong it makes us human.
Psychology challenges stigma by giving accurate psychological health information to the public and advocating for those suffering with mental health. Mental health is a part of our overall health. Did you know our brains are just as susceptible to disease, dysfunction and malfunction as any other organ of our body– why wouldn’t we take care of it like we do other parts of our bodies?
We need to live without shame in that.
In this blog you will find different articles to healing, establishing healthy relationships with self and others, educational information on psychological issues and ailments, advocacy information and opportunities.
This is a blog about life– growing, learning, developing, creating and the things most important to us like: family, community and relationships. Topics may vary and include the following: therapy, trauma, theology, feminism, health, sexuality, identity, LGBTQ, race, gender, society/ culture, justice, compassion and more.
Join in the movement of living a life that is free, liberated– fully embracing all your potential. You are Created for More then the status quo– what do you dream about, hope for, desire? And know that you are important, needed and vital to this community!